I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Randomize
