You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
