I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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