3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
