$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
