i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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