but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just found puke in my bra..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
