When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
