there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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