I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
