So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize