You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
