My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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