This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
