you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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