i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
