your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize