I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she peed on how many people?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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