I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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