At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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