dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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