god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
