Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
