i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize