I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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