I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
