I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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