then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
