I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
