if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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