my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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