So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
