You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
