Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
