It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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