This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
