When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize