Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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