I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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