Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
