Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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