did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
