My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
