I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's rum buckets o'clock
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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