Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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