I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
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