dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
