just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
