i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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