I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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