Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
